Letters

All These Things I Want

Kia Ora!

Yesterday was a beautiful day here in Wellington, and to escape the confines of suburbia we went for a lunch break in Worser Bay, where we enjoyed a gorgeous and dramatic view over the bay. It was so quiet and blissful, my heart felt a little more at peace.

So many great things happened last week: NZ is officially in Level 2 of lockdown, meaning we can travel domestically and have access to more shops. We took a drive to explore further away from our neighborhood! We finally got a couch! Now we just need to wait weeks for it to arrive… I could finally sneak in and out of the garden center to get some much needed plant provisions! And best of all, NZ is teetering on the brink of totally defeating the first wave of the COVID-19 virus! I also released my second vlog.

Nonetheless, last week proved to be challenging to me despite all the happy news. Like many people, I get anxious about returning to the old daily grind once the pandemic eases… I try to focus on remaining patient and calm in daily life after many years of struggling with anxiety and anger, but when it boils right down to it I tend to be a pretty melancholic person. Thinking about returning to the rat race, back to social and sensory overload, makes me feel rather panicked and hopeless. Many things behind the scenes contribute to the fog of emotion that enshrouded me over the last week, but if there is one that stands out, it would be that I am suddenly hyper-aware of other people’s proximity.

Living on a peninsula is great in many ways, we live in a quiet neighborhood, and there’s stunning scenery around us with many lookout points. The ‘me’ from a few months ago would have been content, but the ‘me’ now somehow feels claustrophobic and trapped(though rapt at all the beautiful views!). There are people everywhere, there is nowhere to go that is quiet and solitary. Even our yard feels like every neighbor has their eyes out the window watching everything we do. I am so grateful to have a warm, secure home in a sleepy neighborhood, and I feel like complaining about things like this is in such bad taste when there are worse situations to be handed. So, racked with guilt I try to think about the positives, and instead dream and focus on setting new goals for the future.

We got up before dawn and drove up to the highest point of the peninsula to see the sunrise.

A future that allows me to finally be free. To answer to no one but myself, to live closer to nature in a place (at least slightly) isolated from modern society. Where I can grow my own food, create art, dance in the wind, embrace and be unapologetically myself, and feel the constant tension in my heart release. Where the pressure of modern life doesn’t reach, where I can put my smartphone away and only use it when necessary, and where advertising is muted. My instincts, my brain, my heart, my soul, they all somehow know that there is something – somewhere – for me to discover and are all screaming in unison for me to find it. As if I can hear a far distant call from the mountains. It feels like a very primitive part of me has hatched from a long-dormant cocoon. Like a wide-eyed wild girl finding the alluring sparkling lights of the city to be more of a terrifying inferno up close. A view best appreciated from afar in a memory, perhaps revisited once in awhile when in need of adrenaline.

So with all that poetic and romantic stuff in mind, but not entirely controlling my judgment, I am furiously formulating ideas to realize those dreams and goals. And with a little help from inspiring people like Jonna Jinton and Sorelle Amore, it suddenly seems like a light clicked on and made visible all the possibilities to bring these plans into fruition. So within the next few months I hope to have a good foundation to finally kick off the top-secret-dream-come-true plan, watch this space or follow my vlog if you wish to see where that ends up!

On that note, a little update on the dandelion tea blending I had mentioned in a previous vlog: I mixed dandelion tea with peppermint tea and honey and it was surprisingly tasty. It was predominantly peppermint, but with a hint of wilderness? I feel that it’s entirely dependent on ratio. When I tried it again, I mixed in a dash more dandelion tea than the first time and it tipped the scales to the weird-tasting end… Still haven’t tried it with rooibos!

The idea of dandelion tea excited the witch inside me, who seemed to forget that she doesn’t have a taste for herbal teas or hot weeds. I tried…

Perhaps in the future! For now I am happy with plain old peppermint tea or a cup of coffee. I’m a simple girl.

I hope you are safe, I hope you are healthy, and I hope you are happy. If you struggle with anxiety or are feeling emotional or stressed out in these strange times, I dare you to lay on the nearest grass patch nearby and close your eyes, take a deep breath and watch the clouds. I hope you find peace and know that my heart reaches out to yours. ❤ Thank you for reading my big spiel. Feel free to share yours in the comments if you need to vent!

As always, be kind and be good. Until next time.

Lots of love,

Madi

xxx

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